This is my review of the Wheel of Time, presented to you as a four-part miniseries. Don’t accuse me of writing fan-fiction. I am absolutely NOT a fan of the Wheel of Time.
I wrote this while I was bored and jobless in the middle of winter with nothing to do. I shotgunned the entire Wheel of Time series in about a month, an action probably more destructive to my spiritual and mental health than the 20 years of drinking that preceded it. As I did this, I noticed that every character in this series sucks so bad that it is unbelievable Robert Jordan didn’t kill himself out of shame. All, that is, except one character. The only good character in a THIRTEEN BOOK FANTASY SERIES.
I’m talking, of course, about possibly Japanese (?) but certainly all brutal killer Lan. I decided to rewrite the Wheel of Time from our true hero’s point of view. Read this instead of reading Robert Jordan’s massive volumes of verbal diarrhea.
Here, in all their embarrassing glory, are The Adventures of Lan Mandragoran.
- Epsiode 1: Lan Discusses Battle Plans with the KinFind out what makes our hero tick in this first, exciting chapter, in which you will learn about Lan’s unique approach to solving problems.
- Episode 2: Lan Discusses the Last Battle with the Dragon RebornRand wants to impress Lan (who doesn’t?) and tells him all about his future plans for an apocalyptic showdown.
- Episode 3: Lan Plays a Game with the Dragon’s WidowsAfter Rand suffers an unfortunate incident, Lan decides to play an ancient Malkeiri game while delivering the bad news to Rand’s grieving widows.
- Episode 4: Lan Meets an Old Friend and Feels an EmotionLan’s composure is briefly shaken as he encounters an old friend, but soon enough, everyone has gathered at a local eatery to discuss the past and future of their stupid lives.
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